As the World Burns

Kate Middleton’s tits. That’s right, while the Middle East burns presumably in response to a badly-dubbed movie trailer purporting to mock the Islamic prophet Mohammed, much of Europe seems pre-occupied – not with the long term implications of the Muslim uprising on its own population, and not with the potential far-reaching effects the uprising could have on its ally, the United States.

Instead, Europe is thinking tonight of Kate Middleton’s tits.

That’s right, the Duchess of Cambridge has tits (little tiny ones, it looks like from here), and apparently while she was sunbathing topless on the balcony of a vacation property, an enterprising photographer snapped some photos and has sold them to several European magazines. Those magazines are now lining up to publish said photos.

The magazines, of course, don’t see what all the fuss is about. After all, Kate was topless and the people have a right to know! The editor of the French publication Closer, which was first to publish the pictures, told the AFP news agency on Friday, “These photos are not in the least shocking. They show a young woman sunbathing topless…they are not degrading.” (Of course, photos of Kate’s brother-in-law Prince Harry, who was shooting some naked pool in Vegas recently, also appeared in the tabloid press. Those photos were published precisely because they were degrading.)

Given the statement from Closer, I have to wonder: why publish the photos at all if they have no shock value? It’s clearly no one’s business but Kate’s (and, arguably, her husband William’s) what her tits look like, yet there is such a concerted effort to make sure all of Europe gets a chance to see them too.

The reason is two-fold: the paparazzi are scum whose desire to invade the privacy of the Royals knows no bounds (see: death of Princess Diana), and sex sells – even in Europe, which was showing nudity on television while the U.S. was still making Jane Russell wear her 18-hour bra on the outside of her sweater.

Ms. Middleton should give ‘em all a nice one-finger salute and a cheery “Yeah, they’re tits – go fuck yourself.”

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