In the Who Gives a Shit Department, I recently read somewhere that Amy Fisher is out of the slammer and writing a newspaper column.
The Amester, you might recall, made headlines a few years ago when she was having an affair a with a married dude named Joey whose last name actually had the word “butt” in it. She fell so hard for him that she decided to murder his wife, so she shot Mrs. Joey in the head. The old bat survived and Amy was caught and sent up the river.
All of this made headlines because Miss Bad Aim was so young and Joey was so old and wore those fashionable wild-print MC Hammer/weightlifter pants… and now the “Long Island Lolita” is penning her thoughts for the local daily.
(Incidentally, the book Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, from which we have derived the phrase “Long Island Lolita,” turns 47 this year. Does this anniversary coincide accidentally with Amy’s release from the Big House? You decide. Lolita is also, of course, “that book by Nabokov” to which Sting refers in The Police tune, “Dont’ Stand So Close to Me.” Just FYI.)
Despite the fact that I couldn’t possibly care any less about what Amy has to say, I guess it’s reassuring to know that she is trying to put the whole Joey thing behind her and find a real job. I thought you might like to get the scoop on a few other notorious gangsta girls and what they are up to:
Monica Lewinsky, who taught us the secret to keeping lipstick off a fork but who couldn’t keep it off the President’s wankie, works at a dry cleaners and is developing her own line of stain removal products.
Tanya Harding is married and has a daughter on a Pee Wee Baseball team. Tan’s not content to sit in the bleachers, though – she’s the batting coach. Suh-WING!!
Lorena Bobbitt is a Pampered Chef Kitchen Consultant. She’s especially adept at demonstrating the bladed tools, which I can tell you is no small feat considering that I personally sliced the end of my finger off with the Ultimate Slice-n-Grate even after my friend Shirley cautioned me about it.
In a related item, Ann Landers died this week at the age of 216. I’m sure she will be missed by the psychiatry/psychology industry, which she single-handedly created and nurtured with her constant use of the phrase, “Wake up and smell the coffee, Bub, you need counseling.”
I’m betting Amy Fisher has her eye on this now-gaping hole in the ozone layer of beloved newspaper advice columnists:
“Dear Amy, my husband is having an affair with a teen-age girl – what should I do?”
“Dear Concerned, Watch your back. Hugs, Amy.”
Editor’s note: This was one of my earliest attempts at blogging topical humor. It first appeared in June 2002 on my very first blog, “A Blogger Looks at Forty.” I’m fifty now, and I can tell you that a much better crop of female criminals have passed through the Big House.